Let’s talk people pleasing
Let’s be Honest
I am not a people pleaser. It’s true, I am not. But I used to be really good at it! I know what it’s like to be a people pleaser because for most of my life I was one. You might be too if you have been raised in an environment where pleasing others is everything or if you have learned from someone who has taught you how to please them first before yourself. The story behind people pleasing.
As we grow up and evolve into adults, we need to learn how to say no without guilt and become truly self-reliant individuals who can stand on our own two feet without feeling like we are letting others down by not giving them what they want from us all the time. But before we do that let me tell you why becoming a master at saying no will help you become less dependent on approval from others so that even when they don’t give it they won’t affect your self-worth negatively anymore either!
Are you a people pleaser?
So let’s cut to the chase. Are you a people pleaser?
If the answer is “yes,” then you are in good company. According to research conducted by psychologists and sociologists, up to 40 percent of us consider ourselves people pleasers. That might seem like a lot until we realize it means there are about 1 billion people out there trying their very best not to upset anyone. Or maybe that should be 11 million people who feel bad when they don’t get approval from others, which isn’t actually that many considering how many billions of humans currently live on this planet together (and consider how often we all see each other).
What is it about being nice all the time that makes us feel so bad? And why do we keep doing it even when it brings on this sense of dread and self-loathing?
Who are people pleasers?
People pleasers come in all shapes and sizes. They’re not necessarily shy, nor are they afraid of conflict. People pleasers don’t always have low self-esteem or low confidence either. There are a lot of misconceptions about who people pleasers really are!
In fact, most people pleasers have high self-esteem. They just don’t feel good about themselves when they’re at odds with someone else. (or more specifically, when their needs aren’t being met). As a result, they become overly agreeable and accommodating because it’s easier than facing conflict head-on.
If this sounds like you or someone you know, read on!
You are not chasing trophies or accomplishments, You are chasing people’s approval and love.
You are not chasing trophies or accomplishments, You are chasing people’s approval and love.
You may not even realize you are a people pleaser! Many times when I was growing up my mother would say things like “Oh, you shouldn’t worry about what other people think of you. Just do what makes YOU happy!” But it wasn’t until I talked with my therapist, about how important it was for me to be liked by others. That I realized how much I had been trying to please others instead of myself.
I certainly don’t want to give the impression that all people who care about what others think are trying hard enough at pleasing anyone else. In fact, we often become so focused on pleasing someone else.(whether they ask us or not). That our own needs get lost in the shuffle and we end up resentful towards the person we’re trying so hard to make happy!
People pleasers tend to be very empathic, they feel the energy of people around them very strongly.
People pleasers are extremely empathic, so they can feel the energy of other people around them very strongly. They also tend to be very sensitive to criticism and easily hurt by negative comments from others. This makes them want to please everyone so that no one will ever be angry or upset with them. People pleasers want to be liked by everyone and avoid conflict at all costs. They are often afraid of being disliked by anyone. Which makes them do whatever it takes not to cross anyone’s path!
We are not here to please everyone. But we are here to learn how to stand in our own shoes, be comfortable in our own skin, and dance in our own way. And play along with other human beings that also have their own shoes, skin, and way of dancing.
We are not here to please everyone, but we are here to learn how to stand in our own shoes, be comfortable in our own skin, dance in our own way, and play along with other human beings that also have their own shoes, skin, and way of dancing.
If you are used to pleasing others all the time then this can feel like a big step for you because it means you have your own ideas about how things should be done -and these ideas may clash with the expectations of others around you! But if they do clash then what?
It’s ok to say no!
You have to say no at some point. It’s the only way to get your needs met, and it’s not just about saying no to people you don’t like. But also to the ones who love and respect you.
You can say no to people who try to guilt trip you into doing something that makes them look good. But hurts your career or mental health (a coworker who asks for favors constantly). Or even a friend (someone who takes advantage of your generosity). You also need to be able to say “no thanks!”. When someone offers a job opportunity that doesn’t fit with what you want out of life. Even if this person is someone close with lots of influence in their field.
Next time someone asks for something from me, I will think carefully about whether it aligns with my goals before agreeing. And if not, reject their request politely but firmly!
Conclusion
In the end, all we can do is strive to be a better version of ourselves. And try to bring about the change we want to see in this world. You can do this by taking care of yourself, listening to your gut feelings, and spending time with people. People who make you feel good about yourself.
