Introduction
I miss myself before all the heartbreak and trauma. Missing my childhood self and that person who used to be strong, who now feels weak and insecure. I miss the person I was before all the heartbreak and trauma, who used to laugh, play and have fun without knowing what it’s like to be abused or harassed. The person who had no idea what it’s like to be in pain. And depressed or have an eating disorder. The one who didn’t know what it felt like to live with a dark depression that would make you want to die or self-harm at any given moment of any given day.
I miss my childhood self.
Lost my childhood self. I miss the innocence and carefree happiness that came with being a kid, before all of the heartbreak and trauma that comes with adulthood.
Not having to worry about bills, rent, or food. I miss not having to worry about whether or not there will be enough money left over at the end of each month after paying all those things off (and then some).
Being able to play outside without worrying about someone breaking into my house while I’m gone or someone who might be lurking around in an alley waiting for me when I come home late at night from work. Or worse yet. Just waiting for me somewhere along my route home from school each day!
I miss the person I was before all the heartbreak and trauma.
I miss the person I was before all the heartbreak and trauma.
Also miss being happy, confident, and in love with life. I miss the days when my only concern was whether or not I had remembered to feed our fish.
I miss being a good friend who would drop everything if one of my friends needed help. While I also miss going out on Friday nights with my girlfriends. And having fun without feeling guilty about it because we were just hanging out as friends!
I wish that I could go back in time and give myself some advice: “Hey girl, enjoy these years because they won’t last forever.”
The person who used to be strong now feels weak and insecure.
You are the person who used to be strong and now feels weak and insecure. You’re the person who used to be confident and now feels insecure. You’re the person who used to be happy and now feels sad.
You may not realize it, but you are so much more than this new version of yourself. The one that has lost her sense of self-worth, security, confidence, and happiness in life because of heartbreak or trauma.
The person who used to laugh, play and have fun without knowing what it’s like to be abused or harassed.
I miss the person who used to laugh, play and have fun without knowing what it’s like to be abused or harassed. The person who was carefree and full of life. I miss the childhood self that was free of trauma and heartbreak, depression, anxiety. As well as eating disorders that developed from all these things happening in my life when I was growing up.
The person who had no idea what it’s like to be or have an eating disorder.
I miss the person who had no idea what it’s like to be depressed or have an eating disorder. The person who didn’t know what it’s like to feel like the world is going to end at any moment, and that you’re alone in this feeling–no one else seems as sad or lost as you do.
I am so grateful for my experiences with these things because they’ve taught me so much about myself: how strong I am. How resilient I can be. How much love there is in this world despite all of our differences and disagreements (and boy do we disagree). But sometimes those lessons come at a heavy price tag. A price tag that has left me feeling exhausted by life itself sometimes!
The person who didn’t know what it felt like to live with a dark depression that would make you want to die or self-harm at any given moment of any given day.
The person who didn’t know what it felt like to live with a dark depression that would make you want to die or self-harm at any given moment of any given day.
Anyone who didn’t know what it felt like to be in an abusive relationship. Where the only thing that mattered was how many bruises he could give me before I left him for good.
Read about some of my trauma
Conclusion
I’m not saying that I don’t love myself anymore. I still do, but it’s different now. I love myself because I’ve been through so much, and I’ve come out on the other side still standing strong.
