Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.
Welcome back and grab your tissues! Just kidding! So, I want to bring back the topic Heartbreak. Getting here good ol heartbreaks. And I know 99% of my readers can relate to this topic 100%. So your world feels like it crashed trust me I’ve been there. Everyone seems to cope with a break in their own way. For example for me, I isolate myself and I don’t have an appetite. I lay in bed and go into a dark place, picking myself apart, which is absolutely not healthy in any shape or form. Which is why I am thankful for the few friends I have who get me out of the house and attempt to help me find myself again. Restore my self to the old Joi and help me adjust my crown. Everyone has their advice of how to deal with heart breaks, so in the spirit of one of my old post I did my research on Quora. Below you would find advice for those with a broken heart and trust me it’s good.
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
“Ok. Strap in for this advice.
The Big Break Up has occurred. S/he has left your place. You can still smell them on your sheets. Their stuff is still everywhere. What are you going to do now? Did you do the breaking up or did they? Was it a good idea to break up or do you still want them? These questions are going to be rolling around in your head. The first thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to notice how quiet it suddenly is. It will be even more quiet than when you were sitting on the couch and she was at the store during the time you were going out. It’s a different kind of silence. Not only has she gone but her spirit has gone too. I find that silence during the first few hours most un-nerving. I can’t be in the house, I have to go visit a friend and tell the story and get validation and sympathy.
After that, I come home and perhaps have a few drinks. The only time it is acceptable to drink to oblivion is the first day after a break up. After that you have to get off your fat, moping ass and do something, it doesn’t matter what.
I am not going to kid you. This is “suck time”. It’s going to hurt. You’re going to remember the first time you kissed her, the first crazy experience you had, the hottest sexual adventure you engaged in. You’re going to remember all the good things and suppress most of the bad things. If you are smart you will start to think about those bad things, the things that pissed you off, the things that infuriated you. You have to build up a good rationale for her not being there, whether it was your idea or hers. No matter what you are going to be hurting for awhile but there is no point in making it harder by picking at that scab all the time and saying “If only she were here it would be perfect again”. Because that’s bullshit. It was never perfect and if she were here you would be fighting over something stupid again, just as the group Timbuk 3 says in their song, “It’s like a game of chess when the house is a mess or a petty money squabble when your marriage is in trouble.”
So what now? You’re allowed a day of wallowing self pity and drunkeness and calling everyone you know to give your side and rip her apart for awhile and then get sympathy and offers to go get drunk. This is your one and only opportunity to whine and bore your friends with your rendition of “It’s Not My Fault” and “Why, Why Isn’t She Here With Me?”. You might even catch them rolling their eyes. So take advantage. Forget showering or shaving or changing your underwear — just for today. Today is the day you let it all go. Leave the dishes, don’t make the bed or do any chores. Binge watch “Battlestar Gallactica” on Hulu all day in your underwear while drinking your Johnny Walker Blue straight from the bottle. Today is YOUR DAY, your one and only day that you are allowed to wallow in self abuse and self pity. Tomorrow it’s New Day/New Life time.
When you get out of bed (and if you don’t have a hangover) take a shower, shave, put on GOOD clean clothes and get to work. Change the sheets and wash them. Use different laundry detergent. Do it twice. NOW. Get her smell out of your room. Use a completely different detergent. Put on a new bed liner and wash or throw the old one away. Throw away all her shit that’s in the shower including her stray hairs. Buy a different brand of shampoo and shaving cream. Smells are going to be the thing that kill you the most so you have to change that dynamic as quickly as possible. Clean the bathroom. Empty all of her shit out of the cabinet and wash the cabinet. Put any of her stuff, clothes, panties, etc into a box and tape it up. Stuff that is going to make your broken heart feel worse HAVE TO GO.
Listen, no matter what, it’s going to hurt. You can’t make it un-hurt and you can’t make it hurt less, quicker. It takes as long as it takes and you have to suck it up. But that doesn’t include wallowing. Movement is action at this time and you need to be moving, moving, moving around as much as possible. Action will act as a lightning rod for some of that pain. Wash ALL your clothes, do five loads of laundry. Anything that might smell like her has to be washed. If you have clothes from her or that remind you of her, get rid of them. Go out and get an all new wardrobe or at least a few key pieces that will further separate you from her in your mind when you look in the mirror.
Put all photos of her, or you and her, in a box. Someday you can put one out again, but today is not that day. Today you want to be doing the work of “moving on”. Clean the house. Vacuum. Do the entire spring cleaning gig even if it is winter. You’re symbollically cleaning her from your life. It’s not like she won’t be in your head like a pounding hangover the entire time your doing this — she will — but you want to make your home a place where you can at least live without some constant reminder of her poking at your wounds. I am not suggesting you throw everything away. Just put it in a box, seal it up good and put it out of sight for awhile.
Once you’ve cleaned up your house, your body and your clothes you will feel much better about yourself in a small way. It’s well worth it. It will not make the pain go away but it will ameliorate it and anytime you are doing something to improve your life you are going to feel better about yourself.
Now you are going to turn that goddam TV and computer off and you’re going to sit down and think of the things you can do over the next 3, 6, 9 months that will make your life so much better that you won’t recognize yourself in 9 months and if you come across her it will be as the best you that you can be — not some worn down at the heels drunken sad-sack she pities. Oh my God, that’s the worst — getting her pity. At the minimum if you happen to meet her you want her to see that the time apart has made you even more desirable. At the most you want her to regret leaving, even if you never want to see her again.
So what are your plans? How are you going to improve your body, your mind and your spirit while you work through the pain? Why not sign up for a 5K and practice running it? Or go back to the gym since you have all this free time? Set up a regular schedule. Take a job as a part-time barrista at Starbucks maybe, or take a Bartending course. Go to the new lecture about Mayan ruins found in New Mexico and pick up a few interesting facts. Maybe take a trip to visit the ruins. Stop going to the restaurants and places you used to go and go to new restaurants and place. Expand your mind and your experiences. Make a Plan to become the best you that you can be. You invite change and you invite new things into your life when you do new things. Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ll always got. It’s not going to hurt less, quicker by doing these things. It’s still going to suck. But by making changes to your life, respecting your body, your place of living and your clothes you will at least feel better about yourself. There is no guarantee of happiness. All you can do is make yourself eligible to be happy at this point.
Eventually it will suck a little less. Eventually. It will take time. Not sure how long but it will get better. Some days will be worse. Some days will be better. Keep moving forward. Take a class. Make a new friend. Volunteer. Do something completely out of character for you. When I was at my lowest after a big break-up, I bought an expensive leather jacket (something completely out of character for me) and then I went skydiving. I am terrified of heights but I did it anyway – and for a time, I became a skydiver. You know what’s cool about being a skydiver? It’s the coolest frikkin’ thing or meeting new people and taking your mind off your worries. If you don’t like that idea, find something you CAN do – just do something big and different. Go to Paris for a weekend. Get a new job or a new car. Something out of character. You can even do something stupid as long as you remember that surviving risky behavior doesn’t make that behavior less risky – it just makes you lucky. Today. But do SOMETHING.
DO NOT get into a new relationship right away. It’s going to take time and you’re not being fair to someone else when you’re not “right in the heart”. You’ll probably hurt them and confuse yourself. Take the time that it takes. Make friends and in six months or a year, then start looking for new action. By then you might be a little more open to new punishment.
Remember: none of this will make you happy. It will only make you eligible to find happiness. Happiness is found when you’re outside yourself, doing something you love, something bigger than yourself. When you become part of that, she will shrink to a tiny special place in your heart. It will never stop hurting a little but it WILL stop sucking and you WILL find someone else. It won’t be a “better” love – it will be a “different” love, but one that is at least equal to what you had. And never, ever punish the new person for the sins of the old person. Don’t put them on a pedestal – they will fall off and you will resent them but it will be YOUR FAULT. Don’t look to be rescued or rescue someone else. You cannot save anyone. And forget about perfection. There are no perfect situations or people. Love and romance may come when you least expect it, but regardless of what people, books and movies say, it’s ok to be out there looking for it. I’ve made dozens of posts about how to find a new lover so I won’t get into that here- that’s not what this is about. This is about surviving break up and for that you get exactly ONE DAY of self-pity. So get moving. It’s not too late if you start right now.” -James Bazzinotti
His piece of advice was long, but I believe that Everyone should read it, because it’s good and paints the picture. I feel like this advice hit home because it’s not saying that it is not OK to be sad, but it saying actually feel those emotions and then use it as motivation for you to find yourself again. They’re giving the advice to actually go out and get back involved with the world so you can move on. If things happen to work out with that person cool that you were getting back involved with the world and find yourself will remind you that you are just as good single as you are in a relationship. How do you all deal with heartbrek? Do you believe anyone could ever get through it?
There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream-whatever that dream might be. – Pearl Buck
Thank you for reading another post! I look forward to seeing you on the next one. Feel free to comment below, like, subscribe, and share this post with people who you know need to hear or read this.