Hey guys, welcome back!
Judging by the title, you know this is going to be a vulnerable post. Judging by the title you can see that I deal with an eating disorder. Disclaimer: This post will be speaking on ED’s. So, if this may trigger you, I want you to find a post that brings you joy. I want to start by explaining when it started.
I’ve gone through stages where I hate my body so much that I won’t even wear shorts and a bra in my house because if I pass a mirror, that’s the end of my day. Fiona Apple
My Story
Back in 6th grade, we did a day where we had running competitions at the high school. This was a couple of months left. So I was still dealing with the loss of my mom. I remember what I wore the exact day. I had on white capris, my sister’s white Nikes, and a long sleeve black suede jacket. Mind you, it was at least 76° outside. My grandma and my sister question why I had on a long sleeve top and I lied and said that it went with the outfit even though it was a bigger issue.
Furthermore, I ran the 400, for any of you who don’t know what I mean it’s one time around the track. So, after winning, I went to sit back down and felt dizzy, my friend Mom offered me some water and said I should take my jacket off to cool off and I told her no. The real reason was that I didn’t like my body shape. So that was the first instance where I was having issues with the way I look.
Other Instances
The next big moment was when my grandma had to raise that I stop eating. My grandma was a cook so she woke up with me all the time and she would wonder why I would either eat nothing at all or just a little bit. And there would be times where I would sneak some of the food in a napkin under the table, and threw it away after dinner. There was a moment where we had to go to my grandma’s brother’s funeral.
That was when I really did not eat at all. And the phrase that kept playing in the back of my mind was something that my friend Mom said to me were younger. She said, “you need to eat” in an insulting way. She would always mention my size. So back to the story, it was a Mail after the funeral. I didn’t eat anything but I did sit in the car. I don’t know if I was depressed or just wanted to be alone. But I started gagging and feeling like I had to throw up. I don’t understand why because I hadn’t eaten at all. I took Peptol Bismol and shook it off.
Our culture is obsessed with perfection, especially when it comes to the way women look. The parameters of acceptability as far as physical appearance go are so limiting that only a handful of women actually fall into this category. And the rest of us are left to either squeeze ourselves into molds that don’t fit, hating ourselves all the while, or we just give up entirely. Yancy Lael
3 Strikes and You’re Out
The final straw was after dance practice my grandma noticed that I still wasn’t eating in my clothes were not fitting anymore. She took me to the doctor and he said some scary words. He said “you are now at 80 pounds, and if your grandma hadn’t brought you here today he most likely would have lost your life quote. I wasn’t develpoing right because I was risking my health. My grandma was super upset because she was sad that I was not eating. After that, for months she would watch me eat my food and make me sit there two hours after eating to let my food digest. You could already see my collar bones but it was really bad then.
As you can see here it was bad.
Now
To this day, I occasionally struggle with this disorder, like when I notice I’m gait weight but I will eventually conquer this. This is a mental thing! This is why I am so happy where I am because I’m loving food and appreciating my weight. I live by the quote by Rihanna. “If you can’t handle me at my 2007 Gucci Mane, then you don’t deserve me at my 2017 Gucci Mane,” and “I’m not built like Victoria’s Secret girl, and I still feel very beautiful and confident in my lingerie.”
I am learning to love myself! Curves and all!
Have you all ever struggled with body image? Let me know in the comments below. Like, share, and subscribe!
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